Whether it’s your first foray into therapy or you’re on your 20th counselor (in which case, we should talk), many people don’t understand that you may not be a good fit. More importantly, they don’t understand that that’s okay! Finding a therapist can be a difficult task. You may search through endless pages on Psychology Today or your insurer’s website for hours. Then you email, message, and call to try and schedule an appointment. You hear about waitlists or that the therapist doesn’t take your insurance. When you finally do get in to see someone, there can be an unconscious desire to make it work. After all, you spent so much energy getting there, wouldn’t it feel like a waste to find out that your therapist and you weren’t a good fit? What if you are with the wrong therapist?
Don’t get discouraged!
First, it should be pointed out that 99% of the time, this is not something you will know in the first session. Usually, the big glaring differences between people are weeded out in your search, right? If you feel more comfortable talking to one specific gender over another, you probably narrowed that down already. Or maybe you narrowed down your search from older to younger, or vice versa. There are a bunch of reasons to start your search that way. For instance, if a lot of my issues were with my mother, an older female may not be the person I want to see. The irony here is that some schools of thought may argue that the older female is the perfect person to see, as they may use transference to help you through your issues.
Regardless, when you get to the office, you know who you are about to see and all of those surface level boxes have likely already been checked. Even if they aren’t, think of all of the people who have surprised you over your lifetime. It hearkens back to the old saying that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
Discomfort is Not Abnormal.
You may come into (or out of) your first couple sessions with a sense of discomfort. This is completely normal. It does not mean you have the wrong therapist. It’s not often we sit with a stranger and share our life story and intimate thoughts. That process is uncomfortable, and the deeper you go with information and emotion, the more uncomfortable it may be. It’s important that you do not confuse your discomfort with the aspect of sharing with discomfort with a person.
That said, if the therapist or counselor is making you uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to say something. That may be a good therapeutic jumping off point, and if it cannot be resolved, no reasonable therapist is going to tell you to keep seeing them. It is up to you to let them know. You won’t offend them. We’re all people and we all have our own baggage and when someone makes you uncomfortable, that is something worth sharing, especially in the safe space of a counselor’s office.
Some of Us are the Worst!
Okay, maybe “the worst” is a little harsh. There are counselors, however, that can sometimes get in their own way. This usually shows up in that same form of transference, but kind of in reverse. They may have an agenda for you that is not in line with the agenda you have for yourself and may be detrimental to your healing journey. If you feel this way, bring it up. If your therapist wants you to work on X, but you came to therapy for Y, find out why. There is a possibility that the therapist sees something you have yet to see, or that you are even incapable of seeing yet. If that is the case, though, most schools of thought say the therapist should slow down and meet you where you’re at. It may mean you have the wrong therapist, but maybe you’re just not aligned.
It’s Just Not Working.
Finally, if you get some sessions in and feel like the therapy is just not the right fit, that’s okay. It’s a discussion that can be uncomfortable, but it’s a good discussion to have. No one likes telling people we don’t like them, especially when they are trying to help us. In this field though, we are trained to sit in those uncomfortable conversations. We guide our clients and ourselves through them.
If You Feel Something, Say Something.
The running theme with all of these examples is that it’s up to you to say something if you feel like treatment is not working. Empower yourself to be your own advocate and speak openly about what you like and dislike. With the correct cadence and timing, a good therapist is going to do the same thing.
Countless studies have proven time and time again that the most common factor of successful therapy is the therapeutic relationship. That’s the relationship between you, the client, and the counselor. Relationships and built best off of honesty and genuineness. With that, the last question to ask before leaving one therapist to find another is if you allowed yourself to be honest and genuine with your counselor. Also, whether you believe your counselor has been genuine and honest with you. And if not, say something about it.
Leave a Reply